Why do I make the choices I make?

Okay, so thinking about myself and what’s wrong with my situation, means I have to take a closer look at myself and figure out what’s up.  I know it’s not all them, even though I would like to think it is.  They say our lives are molded in our childhood and although I had a nice one, there are always things that have followed me through my life from it.  Now, I’m not blaming anyone, not my parents, siblings or anyone who had an influence on me. What I am trying to do, is understand the choices that I make now and why I make them.  I think it’s bullshit when people blame their past for their present lives.  We all have choices and free will and you can decide what to do with your life.  So now I’m just trying to work through my life and that involves revisiting my past.

I grew up as the youngest of 3 girls with my mom and dad.  My dad was from the south and grew up very poor.  Basically, he started picking cotton when he was four and my grandma had a lot of kids to raise and her siblings included, so there wasn’t a lot of time to parent.  There was only time to make sure they survived, so different skill sets that could be passed down to their kids weren’t.  What is weird about that, is my dad always told me he loved me and was very affectionate. so at least that got passed along!

My dad also had a bad habit of taking things away when he got mad.  He would take my car, privileges, he once took the door off the hinges of my sister’s bedroom because she wouldn’t clean it.  (she lives with me now, and I understand his frustration!  I want to take her door off sometimes too!)  His worst habit of native american giving though, was he would take his love away.  When he got mad, he wouldn’t talk to me or acknowledge I was alive.  We got in a fight when I was in college, and he didn’t talk to me for 3 months.  That type of behavior has had a very big effect in how I deal with men. 

 I am truly a no strings attached gal.  If you give me something, don’t try and take it back, or I will probably be done with you.  I’ve become very self sufficient also because of that fear of having things (including love) taken from me.  It probably has a part in my fear of commitment too.  I tend to not get too close to someone in case they aren’t going to be there.  I also have a bad habit of remaining detached from someone, just in case I know it’s not going to work.  I give up very easy if it seems like it’s going to be a challenge.  All very bad habits I’m trying to change, but it’s hard. 

That’s why I’ve done so much vacation dating in the past.  It keeps me from fully committing myself, my time and my life.  It’s not like I want to do that, it’s just what feels comfortable for me.  I keep thinking if I find the right guy, it will change all that.  I think though, I need to change me first in order to let that happen.  It probably is also a reason I don’t have a desire to go out very much, because then I won’t have the ability to meet someone!  So here I am bitching about being single and I’m a part of the problem!  Oh well, as I said, therapy is expensive, so maybe talking about it will help me figure it out.  I’m a smart girl, just need to work on it!