What’s your normal?

I’ve made a new friend in the past few weeks and she was talking to me about her relationship with her boyfriend.  Now, I really don’t think from the brief conversations I’ve had with her that he is a good guy and is a good guy for her.  His parents have what some call an “open” relationship and are considered to be “swingers”.  I’m not saying that swinging is wrong, but my friend isn’t into that stuff so it’s wrong for her. 

Her bf has grown up in this environment (or I’m assuming he knows about it, since she does) so that’s his normal.  She hasn’t been exposed to it and it makes her uncomfortable, so it’s not her normal.  So I started thinking about what is normal to us and how does it affect our relationships. 

I suppose it also is why abused kids often become the abusers and why the cycle is so hard to break.  It becomes the “norm” for the people that are caught in that hell-storm.  I grew up in a family that got divorced and my mom was strong and supported herself and her kids.  It wasn’t a surprise to me that I got divorced and have followed in my moms footsteps. 

What about our dating lives though?  I’m dating a guy who is the strong, protector type, a lot like my dad. It doesn’t mean I want to date my dad, but he has a lot of the same qualities. 

When my friend was talking about her bf’s parents relationship, I thought, Hell no!  I wouldn’t be getting into that, not because I’m judging them, but because it would make me really uncomfortable.  I don’t want that type of relationship for me.  Now, my thoughts to my friend are, since this is your bf’s norm, is it expected to be yours too?  Is he going to want the same openness that his parents have and can you handle it?  There are lots of “norms” out there, just as there are lots of people who consider them their normals.  Do you have to have your norms match  up in order to have a successful relationship?  I think you do.

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