What hurts more, change or complacency?

I’m trying to figure out the least painful way out of an ever-increasing painful situation.  Is life truly like a band-aid where if we rip it off really fast, it will only hurt for a minute?  Or, if we do nothing and ignore the signs, it will hurt longer, but not as much.  When we see the signs that a relationship is dying, or dead or maybe  limping really badly, why is it so hard to discuss it with the person that is involved? 

Is seems that there is a huge white elephant in the room and no one wants to talk about it.  Maybe the fear that the elephant will leave is so great that I figure if I put a lamp shade on it and pretend it’s a lamp, eventually, the light will go off in my head and I’ll have my answer.  

Or maybe if I just keep ignoring it, it will turn back into the love that I had once?  I don’t know, WTF man??  In my head, I’ve played out the conversations thousands of times over and every time the result is the same, but when I open my mouth, none of the words are there.  What happens to your words between your stomach and your mouth?  How do they keep getting swallowed instead of spit out? 

I need to be a bulimic with my words and just purge them out, but for some stupid reason I can’t.  I know it’s fear that holds my words, which is so strange because so many people find me fearless.  When it comes to my business, I have no fears.  I know what I’m supposed to do and when I’m supposed to do it and I’m very good at sharing those thoughts with everyone around me even to their dislike. 

When it comes to men though, I’m scared shitless.  Does it go back to losing my Dad?  Is it just that the only thing I’ve failed at in life is my relationships and I’m sick of failing again?  It sucks that the one thing I want most of all, is the one thing that always alludes me. 

Please don’t give me the “when you’re least looking you’ll find it, or the stop trying so hard” shit.  NOT interested in hearing it.  I know that all ready, I’m just voicing my thoughts here people, not trying to get you to fix me.  Sometimes, if we put it down in writing and make it public, it’s easier to handle.  Funny how I can write my feelings, but I can’t voice them.  I think I have feelings laryngitis.  And yes, I just made that up because I wanted too.