Are we interviewing for a date??

Have you noticed that the dating process has become more of an interview for a job??  I think with the huge amount of people meeting on the internet, the first phone conversation becomes an interview, sans the references!

It’s not about the getting to know you on a personal level, as much as it’s a “how long you’ve been divorced, what’s your custody arrangements,  and who’s fault was it?”  I mean really, where is the romance and the courtship anymore??

Has the world-wide web turned getting to know one another into an interview?  If so, how do we get a second interview? We always try to be on our best behavior when getting to know someone of the opposite sex, just as we try to do the same thing when we are vying for a job.  Do we have so much to hide about our personal life and it’s failures that we embellish?

I always say there are two sides to the story and somewhere in between lies the truth.  I know I had a hand in my divorce even though I would totally love to blame my ex. If we get fired from a job, or quit, is it our fault or theirs??  I think in most cases, again, it’s a combination of the two.

So, back to the interview.  It seems like we have a list of likes and dislikes, and things that can be tolerated and we want the answers to them almost immediately so we don’t waste our time.  But what happens if the person we are interested in is a bad interviewer and we dismiss them when if we took the opportunity to know them a little bit more, they may be a good fit?

It seems as a society, we are very quick to judge, and I’m guilty of that too.  Sometimes I wish I was back in the 50′s when you took your time to get to know someone, there were no social medias to fuck it up and we couldn’t google the person.  I think we have a lot of outside color coming into play that may make us make the wrong decision.

I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the web, since I’m writing on it, or that I don’t love google, but there is a lot less effort going into the dating process than in the past as we actually had to do it in person, not through a text, or facebook update.  So, is it better to interview, or is it damaging??  Heck, I don’t know the answer, all I know is there are a lot of singletons looking for love, and are we letting technology guide our decisions?

Is it better to say too much??

Well, John Mayer wrote a song called “Say” and it truly is one of my most fav songs.  I love everything about it and I vowed that this year, 2010, I would say more of what I was feeling when it came to relationships and guess what?  I still SUCK at it!  HAHAHAHAH!  At least I know I suck at it though. Does that make a difference?

I said that I would use my voice more and say the things that make me uncomfortable to the person who needs to hear them.  So, here it is near the end of March, and I’m still not using my big girl words.  WTF is wrong with me???

Back in February, I went on a trip with a man and gave him a very thoughtful, personal valentine gift that I made.  Now, it wasn’t a cheesy home sewn gift, and by the way, I happen to like sweet gifts for V day.  Now on my birthday and Christmas??  Feel free to go hog-wild, but for V day, I like more sentiment attached to my gift.

So, I made a gift that was a book of photos I had taken of myself by a professional, ( they weren’t freaking glamour shots ok??) and not to sound vain, they turned out really great.  I had asked different male friends and female friends before hand if they thought it was a good gift, since I had never done that before and all of them said, it was a great gift.  I mean, if you were a guy, wouldn’t you want a pic of your girls boobs??  And btw, since my surgery, my girls look spectacular!  I digress.

Well, I gave him the book and let’s just say the reaction was less than stellar.  It was completely underwhelming to the point of I got a “that’s pretty” and that was it.  So he puts the book on the nightstand and doesn’t mention it again.  The next morning we were leaving, so since he didn’t look at it again, I put it in my luggage.  Then I brought it home and kept it.  He’s never once mentioned that he has it, or doesn’t have it, it’s like it never took place.

I haven’t brought it up with him and he hasn’t either.  My girlfriends think I should say something to him, and I haven’t.  It really hurt my feelings that he didn’t like it, or appreciate it or the effort it took to get it made.  So, should I say something, or just let it drop.  Part of me doesn’t care that much to make a stink about it, but obviously it’s still bugging me or I wouldn’t be writing about it.  Thoughts anyone??

Change is in the air????

I met a 28-year-old guy at work last month and he was very entertaining.  He also had some insight into the male/female role-playing, which surprised me considering his age.  One of the things he was talking about was what we do as men/women or boy/girls whatever one you want.  He said that when a guy finds a girl he likes, he’s hoping she wont change and when a girl finds a guy she likes, she’s hoping he will change.

I found a lot of truth in this, especially in the younger generations.  Now, I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen to us 40 somethings, but I do know that I’ve gotten past believing a guy will change, so I don’t bother.  I remember getting married and hoping I could change my husband into the man I wanted.

Now looking back I think, what the fuck was I thinking???  Why would I want to change someone I just married??  Well, because he had a lot of the qualities that I was looking for, he just needed some tweaking!  I could change the way he dressed, and I did do that one (very easy btw), but I couldn’t change his behavior or his personality.

I married a guy who was mostly about him, and since he is still in my life, being the baby daddy, he is exactly the way he was back in his 20′s.  Maybe a little worse!  I’m very grateful not to be married to him anymore, not that he’s a bad guy, but we don’t mesh and we are both aware of it.

Now, guys on the other hand have it right.  They meet someone and hope they don’t change.  Sometimes women play the game of being whatever the guy wants to get him.  Then, after they guy is smitten, she starts acting the way she really is and that throws the guy a curve ball.  He’s thinking, where is the sweet girl I fell in love with and how did this bitch take her place??

I think that is one of the great things about getting older.  We are the way we are, and nobody is going to change us.  We may make modifications to ourselves, but our mindset is pretty much done.  I know what my deal breakers are and what I can live with.  I also know to pick a guy  that has  bad habits I can live with.

I hate certain things, tardiness, rudeness, selfishness and bad teeth.  HAHAHAHAH!  It is true though, hate bad teeth.  I love passion for things/life (even if he is intense, because I am) honesty, beautiful eyes, brains, and wit. As long as the wit is quick, not dim.  I love a good smart ass and someone who can keep me on my toes and doesn’t get his butt hurt when I dish it out too.  And lets not forget a guy who loves sports, I love them too!  Give me a guy like that and who loves to have sex and I’m alllll good.

Maybe Nick (the guy that came up with the change theory) knows more than his age shows.  He’s a pretty smart cookie for having figured this out.

Manifesting your Man…

So I recently had the pleasure of meeting a woman at my work who did a lot of energy healing and things like that.  Now, being that we all are just a bundle of energy, I was really interested in what she had to say.

She had lots of thoughts on different subjects, but one was very intriguing to me.  She was talking about manifesting the type of man who a single girl would want.  Remember a few years ago when The Secret was a hugely popular book.  This kind of relates back to that.  She was telling me that I should put down on paper what I want in a man. One one side of the paper, list the qualities of a man who I am looking for.

This doesn’t have to be shared with anyone, and you should be really honest with yourself on what you want.  I’m talking about what you REALLY want, not what you think other people will think you want.  Qualities could include, smart, funny, good-looking, successful and so on and so on.

The other side of the paper should represent what you want need.  What I got from that, was the more emotional side such as made to feel special, acceptance, and whatever  YOU want from this man you are looking for.  Then she said to set the list on fire (don’t do this where you will set your house on fire hahahaha)  and make your fingers into scissors and cut the plume of smoke 3 times representing your mind, body and spirit.

She also said to do it on a full moon which is this weekend.  Now, does this work, I DON”T KNOW!  But I bet there will be a lot of women trying it if they read this!  I’m a firm believer that what we attract what we are putting out in the universe, so why wouldn’t it work?? Kinda like my clients at work, they tend to be the same personality as me.  You know, silly, goofy, smiley and a little intense at times.  I think I will try it this weekend and let you know how it goes?? Anyone else going to try?

You always want what you can’t have…

Why is it we always want what we can’t have??  Even if we did have it at one time and didn’t want it, as soon as it’s gone, is when we decide we want it back.  I remember my kids when they were little, had toys that they hadn’t played with for months, but the moment I wanted to sell it in a garage sale, or give it away, it became the most precious toy of all!  So, that being said, I think this is a behavior that is ingrained in us from the beginning.

Now, let’s move this from toys to relationships.  When men and women break up, they want nothing to do with the other person….. UNTIL, someone else wants them.  Nobody is as desirable as someone who is desired by another.  Kinda like the toy huh??

I have a friend who was dating a guy  who was in the midst of getting divorced.  I told her that nothing good was going to come of it.  For some reason, men getting divorced think they can handle getting divorced, transitioning into a singleton, helping the kids get adjusted and starting a new relationship.  Women once in a while think they can, but let me tell you, IT’S NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!

When you’re getting a divorce, you need to focus on you and the divorce and your kids.  Don’t bring someone else into the mix!  All that will happen, is the new person is gonna get their heart stomped on when the divorcing person finally realizes that they can’t do it all!  That is exactly what happened to my friend, and no I didn’t say I told you so, I’m not that meany!

Now, after a few weeks of not talking to the guy (who is the one who said he can’t deal with starting a new relationship and told her he wouldn’t be talking to her or texting any more), the guy starts texting her again.  WTF?????  He’s been sending her texts that says that he misses her and he’s thinking about her….  This guys is such a dick.  It’s like he’s realized that someone else might be interested in his toy, and he wants to stay in her head a little longer to fuck with her.

I told her not to respond and hopefully she wont.  I may sound a little harsh in my thoughts about the guy, but seriously, once you’ve said you can’t deal with everything in your life, does 3 weeks make a difference?  I’m sure he’s still not divorced, still is going to be adjusting with his kids and still needs to leave her alone.

Note to everyone, male or female.  If the person isn’t divorced or is currently separated leave them alone!  They have a lot of shit to deal with mentally, emotionally and financially. They may be a catch in the future, but in the meantime, throw them back!

When you know, will you really know??

So, watching He’s just not into you tonight and really paying attention to the Gigi character who is perpetually searching for love.  It reminded me of a girl I used to know who each first date she had, she declared that he was the ONE!

Every time she went out with a new guy, which was a lot, she would come into work and talk about how he thought she was the funniest girl (she wasn’t, she was fucking crazy) and he just GOT her.  Then, Monday would come, and he wouldn’t call and she would wonder why.  I could have told her she was fucking crazy and the guy figured it out, but that would have been mean.  (or would it have been???)

Back to the movie, Gigi is looking for her plus one, but is so eager to find him, that she is scaring the heck outta everyone!  It makes me wonder, if we seem aloof, are we better off, or does it really matter in the game of love.  Will we both know when it’s right?  Will we be on the same wavelength?  What if one is into the other person, but the other isn’t?  WTF man, why is love the hardest thing to find of all?

I’ve been good at most things that I’ve done, my career, kids (teenagers are a challenge I will admit) but the biggest challenge of all is finding long lasting, true love.  I don’t know if my love radar is just off (kinda like mapquest trying to find a destination, hate them) or I’m just really not in a place to find it.

I had a few clients in this week and we were talking about if you have been alone so long, does it make it hard to be with someone?  I do know that if I was to live with or marry a guy, I couldn’t do it in the house I’m in now, because there isn’t enough closet space.  I’ve been divorced 10 years now, and it’s hard to think of me living with someone.

Kinda sad actually, maybe that’s why I do long distance loves, because it keeps them at arms length, (or airports length).  Lets say I meet the one that I get and gets me, are we both going to know it?  At the same time??

My friend Shelley met the love of her life at a baseball game, while she was with her ex husband.  They knew within a few weeks that they were meant for each other and have been happily married for over 3 years.  I think when we meet our plus one, our hearts need to speak to each other and we need to listen to what they say.  I still believe in love and everlasting love, I just need to open mine up to the possibility of love.

Stage five clinger!

One of the girls I work with was telling me about her dating experiences over the weekend.  She is a very pretty, smart, confident woman and basically a HAISS type of gal.  She went on a date to a basketball game with a guy she’s seen a few times and had fun and he had tickets to the game in the area where the lounge is so there were lots of his friends around.

They were having a great time, and while she was having a conversation with one of his friends, he wanted her to drop it and sit with him and watch the game.  She wanted to finish the conversation, so she told him she would when she was done.  Well, he got his feelings hurt and was pissed at her that she didn’t drop everything at that moment.

Her thoughts were, he should be happy she is a confident girl and had not only the ability to hold an intelligent conversation, but also doesn’t have to be babysat.  He was thinking she should want to be next to him constantly and basically hang on his hip.  WTF???  Men want women who can hold their own, but also will dote on them when they want.

Problem is, as women have become more independent, the need to just be arm candy has diminished.  Not sayin we don’t want to be arm candy, but we also like to be able to use our brains and not have our happiness revolve around someone.  She told him that she is independent and he should be happy she wasn’t a clinger, and he was still pissed.  Now, being an independent woman myself, I like spending time apart at the same event.  If both people are comfortable and secure, it shouldn’t be a problem.

He sounded very insecure to me which probably not work out with her.  Is there any happy medium?  Are we supposed to drop everything when the person we are with tells us too?  That happened to me recently.  I was in Vegas playing blackjack and winning for once, when my date made me feel guilty about not spending time with him.  I was pissed!  It was like, dude, if it’s bugging you, then come find me.  But instead, I gathered up my chips and went and found him.  Good thing it was his birthday, if it wasn’t I would probably not have left!

How damaging is texting?

Okay, I admit that I love to text. It’s a great way to communicate with my kids and my friends and when you don’t really want to talk, it gets the job done. Unfortunately, a lot of what is in a text form, gets in translation.

So many of us use texting to fight, make up, break up and tell other people off.  I know when I get a test that is all capital letters, I think the person is yelling at me and it makes me mad.  One of our friends was texting like that, but he wasn’t yelling, he just has really bad eyesight and he was using caps to see better!  Opps, sorry!

So, what other messages are misunderstood?  Well, text it, and it can have problems.  I have been in relationships where I think the guy  has broken up with me, but I’m not quite sure.  That really sucks.  You sit around and wonder and if the other person doesn’t text you back, you’re like in fucking text limbo.  The delay in communication can make you crazy!

Another problem with texting is you shorten the words so it’s faster and use abbreviations, but when you don’t put exactly what you want, you can totally be taken wrong. You spend a lot of time redoing the text to explain what was misunderstood from the original text which takes longer than it would if you just spelled it out the first time.  Phew.  Is anybody tired of this??

What ever happened to sitting down and talking, or talking over the phone??  Why do we put ourselves through this?? I’m just as guilty of this as anyone.  I misunderstand texts and write confusing texts although I’m not trying to do.  I just think a lot of what we mean to say includes the tone and texture of our voice not just our words.  When we lose that, we can lose the intention of the message.  In the age of electronic communication, we are losing the human aspect of communication.  And sometimes, it sucks.

Life is a competition…

Life is a competition where most of us are like, “Bring on the games”!  When I was in school, the teachers tried to make everything a competition including who got to take the kick ball out for recess.  I usually won that one, because I learned very quickly she was looking for “may I take the kick ball”, not “can I take the kick ball”.  I have never forgotten that lesson and my kids hate that!

I don’t like the fact that in schools today, they  try to down play competition unless you’re on a sports team.  If we don’t teach our kids how to compete early and well, they aren’t going to make it as adults!  EVERYTHING, is a competition!  Jobs, driving, (ok, the driving one is for me, not sure if it’s a sport) and also love is a competition.

Now, competing for men is one area I don’t like competing in.  I want to be chased and pursued, but not in a crazy stalker way.  I’m an attractive girl, with a lot of brains and wit, so sometimes, I think they should be working for me, not the other way around.  I think I have it wrong.  Men want to be pursued also, (I think at least!) and by me taking myself out of the competition, I’m actually hurting my chances at finding a guy.

Since men are the one area in my life I don’t compete in,  I keep asking myself WTF is wrong with me??  Does it have to do with my fear of commitment? Do I purposely avoid putting myself in the game because I don’t want to be picked?  I remember being in grade school and at recess you played kickball,  and it was crucial to your social stature that you didn’t get picked last.  Remember how much it hurt and sucked when you were the last kid standing??  So why do I put myself in that position?

I think I am the last kid standing when it comes to competing in love.  I also know I have myself to thank for that position, since I put myself there.  Some men think I’m intimidating when I meet them, and thinking about it, they are probably right.  I have a very quick wit and am not afraid to use it! It probably comes off as bitchiness, when it’s really just a wall I’ve thrown up.  So, maybe for 2010, I learn to use my mouth to smile more, and watch what I say till someone gets used to me!  And maybe learn to trust a little more too.  Thoughts??

slap a bitch

OMG!!!!  Have you ever wanted to just slap a bitch??  My sister used to have a guy she dated back in MI 2 years ago. He was a pretty good guy, but he couldn’t deal with a LDR (long distance relationship) so they broke up, but remained friends. He’s dated a few real losers since then and the reason I know is one of them in particular, lifted my sisters number from his phone and has made it a habit to text her.

Now, he’s a fucking pussy for letting her have his phone, and it’s gotten so bad that she takes his phone (btw, he’s 6’4″ and about 270) and looks at the pics of my sis and I that she has sent to him because they have remained friends.  WTF is wrong with that woman??  Is she that insecure that she needs to see what he is always doing?  Can you not be friends with someone after you broke up?

I soooooo want to slap that ho after reading her texts.  Now my sissy is playing with her and sending some really funny shit.  Women are so hateful to each other because of men.  I don’t get what her problem is.  If she is that insecure, then why date him??  He is Italian and a huge flirt and looky lou with other women, but she would know that on the first date.  Why is it that with some women, even the women want to slap them?

Now I’m not advocating abuse in any manner, and I’m really not going to slap anyone, (unless I’m wearing pig tails and then watch out) but in my mind, I’m totally bitch slapping them.  It feels like an Ally McBeal episode where they are showing what goes on in the persons mind, but not in real life.

Seriously, there are such stupid women out there, totally not the “How am I still single” type.  They are the “I’m so fucking stupid, I need to be locked up and smacked” type.  Sorry to be ranting a bit, but this stupid bitch in Michigan totally falls into the second category. Do you know anyone like that.